In early September, I went to my local library. I like to do this occasionally, to wander around the stacks, picking up novels I’ve never heard of before. It’s peaceful in there; the hiss of the river outside, the rustle of paper as someone turns a page. On this particular day, I decided to open a book at random, see what I found. It was a photo of a woman called Anne Marie Hagan, with a caption that said, “Forgiveness is not permission. It doesn’t mean that you agree with what the offender has done.”
I looked her up afterwards. When she was 19, her father was murdered by a neighbour with schizophrenia who believed he’d heard the voice of his dead mother instructing him to kill Thomas Hagan. During a campaign to ensure that this man was never released from prison, Anne Marie met with her former neighbour, and after a meeting which lasted just under two hours, she somehow found the ability to forgive him.
“My father’s killer is now 59 years old,” she wrote for The Forgiveness Project. “He has a job, and he’s working towards a university degree. I admire him for having the strength and the courage to rebuild his life. I visit him regularly. We have talked at length about what happened on that fateful day, and how my forgiving him has changed both our lives.”
Then she expanded on the quote I had stumbled upon in the library, writing, “Forgiveness is not permission. It doesn’t mean that you agree with what the offender has done, or that they had a right to do what they did. Also, forgiveness cannot be conditional on remorse because that would mean we can only forgive those who are sorry. Forgiveness is recognizing that the offender is a human being who is deserving of kindness, compassion and love despite the harm they have done.”